Working on Myself

Dear God, in Your strong hands, I place my life today, choosing to depend on You to light and guide my way.

I have been trying to do good in my life recently. After my break up a couple weeks ago, I was completely and utterly lost. I was a mess. I couldn’t take care of myself. I asked God ‘why”? I was drinking every single day and isolating myself. But in comparison to that first week, I am doing much better now. I recently stopped the drinking. I’m working on my schoolwork again. I actually talked things out with her and it made me feel much better about things. I still think about her every day. I still wish she was sitting here, next to me, as I type this. But look, I have to look at this from a different perspective. I have to trust in God that he puts and takes away people in my life for a reason.

I wasn’t making her happy. The relationship was getting toxic, and it was mainly my fault. That part is the hardest part at this point. Letting go of the girl I love, the girl who changed my life in so many great ways, who made my days brighter and gave my life more meaning. But now I am alone. Now I have to take care of myself, emotionally. And I’m finally getting there. It took a long time, but I’m going to start focusing on my future.

I just want to be happy. I want to include God more in my life and develop a stronger relationship with Him. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be happy, proud, and confident in who I see back. I want to have a girlfriend, a beautiful girlfriend, like the one I lost. I want to finish up my schooling and get my degree and get my own place. I hope losing her was the right thing to happen. I’m getting more comfortable with the idea of being single. It is sad to me, but I know it won’t be for long.

And what I really want is to be ready for the next beautiful girl who comes my way. I want to be ok with myself enough so that I don’t sabotage another relationship. I care so so much about the girl I’m with, I would give anything, do anything for them. I need to be able to give that same love to myself. I need me to be the focus of my life. Not another person. In that way, I will be strong enough to have them lean on me without breaking. I will be stronger and have a better relationship with my next girlfriend. I relied much too heavily on my happiness with this girl, and it was not fair. I don’t want to do that again.

I put my faith in God, that He knows what He is doing. That He did what He did for a reason. That there is an even greater love in my path. I’m beginning to think that is true. So in a way, I should thank you God for this all happening to me. This has all taught me a very important lesson. One that I may not have learned any other way. I will be strong, focus, and keep You in the front of my mind. Thanks!