It has been a tough month this year. In fact, all of 2020 has been difficult, but the last 30 days has been especially so. I drank every day for a good portion of it, honestly. But now, I have been completely sober for 2 full days. I have really, really been trying to be a better person. But it is so difficult when there are people in your life trying to sabotage you. It makes it almost impossible. It is something that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, on my own worst enemy. When I see someone trying to better themselves, I see the good in that person. In the power they have inside of themselves. It is a flaw and a curse, because seeing the good in someone makes it easier for people to take advantage of me. But that is my own battle.
I am doing my best in order to have a better life, I am working, I am going to school part-time, and of course I could be doing more, but those two are a good start. Especially when you are doing them sober. That in itself is a big deal for me. To be able to love myself so much that I want to do what’s best for myself. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I see. I know if I started drinking or using drugs, that I would not feel good about myself. That is exactly why I am NOT doing anything anymore. Losing the best thing in my life, my girlfriend, has been one of the worst experiences I have ever been through. I loved that girl more than anything, I would have given my life for hers easily, I adored her and thought she was about the prettiest and sexiest thing on the planet. She made my life so much brighter and gave me someone to confide in and pushed me to be a better person. She was and is a treasure, and I am never going to forget her as long as I live. I can’t get her out of my head, honestly. I hope I helped her as well. She was always the one to be there for me, and I tried to be there for her but I think I wasn’t there for myself, so I couldn’t be there for her fully.
It is my biggest regret. It is something that I have to live with every single day. That I destroyed the very thing I lived for. The best and most exciting part of my life, I destroyed it. I want this to never be the case again. I cannot ever let this happen again. It would absolutely destroy me if this happened to me again. And I hate that I waited so long in life, but I am going to make changes to myself in order to make sure this doesn’t hurt me, or anyone else, again.
God. God is my new relationship. I am slowly and awkwardly getting to know Him. He is all I have now. No one else knows exactly what I am going through, it is only between me and Him. And he sees how unfair and impossible my current situation is. He sees how much I am struggling and how much I just want to be better. I know and I trust, that He will help me. He will show me the way. Because right now I am in constant pain, both mental and physical, and He is giving me the strength I need to get through it. I have to rely on Him for this. Me and Him. Me and God. I know I can get through it if I only follow his principles and do what I think is most right. And you better be sure that is what I’m going to do. Thank you.
God's Purpose in your Life 