Strengths and Weaknesses

Every day for me is a struggle. It is difficult not to do something I love, something that helps me forget about my problems and has given me the ability to live in the moment. However, this thing I’m thinking of is also toxic and will kill me if I keep it up. This ‘thing’ is not only alcoholism, but substance abuse in general. If I cared about myself half as much as I do other people, sobriety would be so much more easy for me. But, I am a people pleaser. I’ll admit it. I don’t like it when people don’t like me because I value their opinion of me higher than my own opinion. This is a terrible, lonely life. I need to develop the strength I have to have in order to be the person I want to be. 

I have to focus on my strengths. I have to ask God for the opportunity to strengthen my strengths as well as my weaknesses. My weaknesses hold me back. My inability to do certain things tears me up inside. Today I was at the whim of another weakness. My weak resolve in buying som alcohol, and drinking until I pass out. That thought was swimming in my head all day until I finally found a release. I sat down with my laptop and poured the thoughts out that were in my head. It makes me feel so much more relaxed and in control of my thoughts.

I truly do believe that God has allowed me to live this long for a purpose. It might not be a big, grand reason for life. It may even be only one person I connect with and make their life better. That would be enough.

That is what I want to do. Help people, make their lives better, and make them appreciate who they are and why they are so great. God has given me the strength to see people’s good side. I can see the good even to a fault. I see the good side of people so much that it makes me oblivious to the bad side. But that is an ability that I don’t want to necessarily lose. I only want to be aware of the bad in someone, and let me get taken advantage of again.

I have many weaknesses but do not wish to say them all here. At some point I think I will make a list of my weaknesses and try to improve them one at a time. But the first and foremost one is to not be taken advantage of. It happens in many of the relationships and friendships I have had and it always makes my girlfriends resent me, and it allows my friends to extort, and get, what they want from me. But I have hope that I will be able to find new friends, who don’t just call me when they want something. And I will find a nice girlfriend and I will have a backbone and make her feel safe and not suffocated. I believe I can do this and I believe that God can get me there. Thank you guys, for those of you this reaches, and I hope you have a wonderful day.